Well, another year goes by and I once again feel conflicted about the experience. There was so much love and compassion and joy and discoveries in each day that they almost outweighed the painful heartbreak and suffocating grief that also came (thankfully not daily). I think I’ve gotten better at loving the negative experiences as much as the beautiful ones, but it’s a practice and some days I’m just too tired.
This year I had to hurt someone’s feelings. I hated every second of it. It aches to recall; but I know it will set us both free, and someday we’ll both understand that. And then I had to deal with someone who seems to think hurting people’s feelings is a full time job. There’s an empathy that always follows when encountering someone so broken that they leave a trail of collateral damage through most of their relationships. Not that being so damaged is an excuse to take no accountability in your shitty actions. I hope this next year I get better for myself but for everyone around me. I think the phrase “it takes a village” should remain relevant our entire lives, and I want to be a positive and comforting presence in my community.
This year I learned women do all the work.
This year I got to love so many people. The support and care and bonding that was shared felt like the warmest hug. I think of the incredible people I’m so lucky to know and it never stops feeling so sweet. Thank you for being here, I really can’t wait to see how we all grow together.
This year I was more vulnerable with my music than ever. Sharing what I’ve written is terrifying, everyone is a critic and as a woman I feel extra pressure to write great songs so I don’t get written off as less talented because of my gender. But maybe that’s my own internalized misogyny speaking.
This year I learned that the stories I tell myself are not true, that I am not my thoughts or my feelings. This helps me a lot, when I’m feeling overwhelmed by trying to feel in control.
This year I cried more than ever. I am so glad I’ve allowed myself this, what a relief it is. My grief changes as I change, but it’s still there with me and at this point I think I’d miss it terribly if it went away. I tried running away from it for so long it feels good to just sit in it.
This year I took photos. Here are a selection of them, some what in order of People, Food, Windows, Interiors, etc. Grateful to my friends for taking me in, and all those I met along the way.
Love you,
Madalyn
